Growing up, I lived in a “Christian” home.  Baptized at seven and a regular church attendee, I was under the assumption that that was all there was to Christianity.  Even as a little girl, I wondered “Is this it?”  Deep down I knew there had to be more, and I longed for it.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I’m in the latter years of middle school/early high school.  I was curious about the many things I saw my peers doing.  For a period of time, I cursed a lot and got excited for parties/teen clubs because of the grinding (dirty dancing) there.  Around this time, my mom started to let her guard down and began cursing around me; in one instance she gave me advice for my friend, “Why doesn’t she (my friend) just have sex with him and get it over with?  Sex isn’t that big a deal…”  I remember being astounded by that statement and just thinking Woah.  I knew that the things she did/said didn’t line up with the Bible. I started to get confused about being a Christian/getting to heaven.  During that time, I pretty much believed that anyone who professed to be a Christian would go to heaven; so if my mom and other family members could go against things that I had learned in the Bible, then I could too. 

Towards the end of my junior year in high school, I fell deeper into sexual immorality.  I started to feel like I needed a boyfriend.  I never did anything with anyone; however, I slowly descended from watching risque movies into watching pornography .  I tried to justify my actions, but I knew what I was doing was wrong.  Because I was convicted, I tried to stop on my own. I learned about the hormone that gets released in women after sex that causes them to connect with their partner; I began to wonder what I was connecting myself with and became increasingly disturbed.

During late November, I went to church and was radically shaken by the message.  God was speaking to me through the pastor, and I knew that I couldn’t change without Him.  Later that same night, I watched a Youtube video sermon and decided to dedicate my life to God. 

My mom was the only one who commented on the changes she saw in me.  Instead of folding my arms and refusing to sing at church, I began to lift up my hands and actually worship.  It took a little while to get over my initial self-consciousness when my mom joked about the little changes in me.  It was relatively easy for me to delete all the songs off my ipod, stop cursing, etc. but there was one lingering sin, my favorite one, that kept doing me in.  I felt so worthless because I kept falling into the same old cycle of sin, and I became scared of dying. Eventually, my friend and I confessed to each other and as it turns out, we have similar testimonies. Confiding in her made me experience how powerful our testimonies are.

Instead of trying to rely on my own strength, I rely on God.  I’ve learned that temptation will never magically disappear just because I’m a Christian and that though I am forgiven, I will never be perfect in this life. Each day I fall more in love with Him.